Hey, my little pumpernickel. Come on in.

Imagine Blondie’s “Call Me” playing right now. Right?

I want to call this post “Unfinished Research” because I have a lot to say but am not prepared. When I was in Grade 7, I had to do an oral (snicker) report on Alexander Graham Bell (he invented the iPhone and yams). Mr. Yokota would pick random students each day to present in front of the class. It was the first day and quite uncharacteristically, I had prepared nothing. When Yokota was looking around for someone to start, I stared at my binder with a furrowed brow that conveyed, “I’m very busy curing cancer here and shouldn’t be interrupted,” to avoid his gaze. “Let’s start with Lori.” OMG. No. Mouth dry. Hands sweaty. Panicky bowels.

A normal person may have said, “Mr. Yokota, I’m not prepared. Could I please do it tomorrow?” Not this guy. I shuffled to the front of the class with my binder that was devoid of any Bell information and tried to do a presentation. I knew that Bell invented the telephone and sported a wicked beard. That was the extent of my knowledge. I hemmed, hawed then took questions from the class, none of which I could answer. Come to think of it, this singular experience could be why I had 20 years of stage fright before I tried standup.

But I digress. I’m entering a whole new phase of Losing Lori now. Let’s consider the first three months the “I’m Going to Start Losing Weight by Limiting Calories, Moving Slightly More & Going to Psych” phase. This next phase might be called, “Holy Shit. I Read a Couple of Books and May Have to Change Everything I Thought I Knew About Weight Loss” phase.

Bryan Callen

This past weekend, I did a couple of guest spots on Bryan Callen‘s shows. Oh sorry, could you grab that name I just dropped? Besides being a very talented smartass, Bryan is a down-to-earth man who is kind, silly and generous with his time. I had prepared him that I was going to be asking about his thoughts on food and exercise. Our chat is here on YouTube if you have 7 minutes to spare.  In the meantime, enjoy this photo of him looking decidedly feminine.

I’m now reading Dr. Gary Taubes’ “Why We Get Fat.” I’m about 1/4 through so I am not going to be anywhere near articulate yet, but what I can say is that I feel like I’m on the verge of a great discovery. Low fat isn’t necessarily the way to go. Fat may not be the great villain. Sugar is. Simple carbs (white breads, etc) and things like fructose and corn syrup are effing up our bodies. It’s messing with our hormones and insulin production. The ‘calories in/energy out’ belief is being debunked. And let’s face it, if we had figured out weight loss, the obesity rates wouldn’t continually be rising.  I’m frustrated with myself that I can’t articulate this succinctly and brilliantly, but then again, you can always read the book. Ha!

Too busy to read?  Dr. Robert Lustig has a YouTube video called “Sugar: The Bitter Truth.” I’m truly fascinated. Finding out the science of how my body works and realizing that I’m not a lazy, slothy gluttonous woman, but perhaps a woman who didn’t have all the information is very exciting and quite frankly, lessens the ever-ebbing self-loathing.

Tip this woman well!

* harp music *  Angel of the Week (which may or may not ever happen again)

I was at Chianti’s for lunch on Friday. It was the second time I had Allie as a server. The first time, I asked for something healthy and she had them whip up some whole wheat linguine with chicken and vegetables for me. Delicious. This time, I asked her which of the 3 salmon dishes was the most healthy. She told me, I ordered it and away she went. A couple of minutes later, she came back and said, “You know, I could get them to add extra vegetables and steam them for you. That would be even healthier.” Despite her being a good looking, slim woman, I have to admit I really like her and felt quite touched that she cared about my lunch. ALLIE! You are my angel of the week!

Wave back!

Enough people have said they can see a difference in my size that I’ve decided to believe it. Here’s one of those douchey ‘taking a picture of myself in the bathroom’ photos. I call this piece “Foreshadowing of a Waist.”  Sorry I didn’t do my hair or makeup for the photo, but I was hoping you’d be transfixed by my hot bod and wouldn’t notice.

Blaze me a trail to the scale, won’t you? I’m expecting a decent result as I had a couple of super long strolls this week, although I’ll admit my uterus is being a bit of a hoarder these days. TMI? Probably.

I’m very curious to see how my weight is affected eating less artificial sugars this coming week. Hopefully by then I’ll be able to clarify what the hell I’m talking about as well.

Well, there it is: 1 pound lost. Cool! Hey, thanks so much for coming over. You should stay. You look hammered and shouldn’t drive.

Love,

Lori

Pounds lost this week: 1

Total pounds lost: 27.6